Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
