Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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