you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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