dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Those nachos came to me in a dream
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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