Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
