Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
