I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize