There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Blood and glitter go together right?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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