I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
