The maid of honor just puked.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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