Don't you send me to vm
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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