Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
