the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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