I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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