i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
