Non-Jews are for practice
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
