So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
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