You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
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