I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
