"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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