Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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