nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
