They should really pass out barf bags in church
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
