Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
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