hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Randomize
