It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
