the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
