I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
