i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize