I'm so fucking centered right now
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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