it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
