Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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