mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Randomize
