I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize