all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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