My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
