Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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