Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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