I wish I could teleport
someone get that fucking seahorse.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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