Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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