dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
