So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
