Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
