dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
