Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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