Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
