I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize