cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
