That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
3pm strippers are depressing
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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