If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
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