If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
