dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
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