Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
