you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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