I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
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