We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
40s are totally the cure
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
