i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
