I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
try to milk me bitch
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
