Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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