I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
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