so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
