I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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