i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I touched a dick in church today
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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