We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize