You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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