Sry I called you an 8
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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