I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
