Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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